Joyless?

Here we go

Ok, I started this blog a month ago with the help of my good friend Doug, however, this is my first time actually writing on it. I don't have a computer at home and I have to squeeze it in elsewhere. It's hard to know where to begin with all this. I guess I could start at the beginning. Let's start with Joyless. Joyless, you ask? It started out as a childhood nickname. I was the one running around hugging anything that would stand still long enough and trying my best to make everyone laugh. My middle name is Joy. I have an older sister who I loved to bug the crap out of. Thus Joyless was born. It's stuck with me, even though she calls me much nicer names now. I hate say it, but I could take a few lessons from that crazy little girl. I fear that I have grown into the literal Joyless. Adulthood has taken over my life, body and mind. I have recently entered middle management and it has managed, or more I have let it manage to, suck the joy from every part of me. I am also fresh from yet another failed relationship. Blind date stories to come later! Please don't get me wrong, I am not a sourpuss at all times. And I really try to stay postitive and optimistic. I still try to make people laugh as often as possible, although I have let go of the hug therapy except with my mom. And when I consider all things I am really very happy with myself and where I am....most of the time. I know there is room for HUGE improvement in most areas of my life. I once agian have let God go by the wayside thinking I could go for it on my own. And once agian, have learned the hard way, the only way is through Him. His love is where my joy lies. Do you think there comes a point when God says, 'You know what Alie, I'm tired of giving you chances and watching you screw up. I'm done. Go ahead, do it on your own, but I'm not going to bail you out agian. And on that very important day, I'm not going to know your name. ' I do. I know in my deepest heart that God is Love and He is unconditional love. But I don't understand what that is. If he was smart he would say that to me. I am not completely Joyless. I create my own man made Joy. I tell myself that I'm happy and look where I've gotten and what I have. Do I realize I have nothing, have done nothing with out the help of the Father. Yes. Do I tell myself otherwise? Yes. Am I truly Joyless this holiday season when all around me is happiness and joy? Yes. Because it's easy to be joyful on the outside. I can smile with the best of them. I make it a point that no one see the broken, scared, angry, wimpy little girl nicknamed Joyless on the inside. Some days that is easier than others. I appreciate any one who reads this. I promise that not all the future blogs will be this heavy. I'm not a heavy person. But sometimes you have to get it out. And what better place than a jounal.

posted by Alie @ 2:43 PM